A Very Hairy Jake Gyllenhaal

LAST WEEK, MAHMOUD AMADINEJAD visited Columbia. Amadinejad said that there were no gays in Iran. My response: "Not anymore!"

Coming out of the speech, the big controversy, of course, was whether it was appropriate for Columbia President Lee Bollinger to rip a world leader a ragged new asshole, effectively performing the most spectacular magic trick of all time by making the man almost seem like a sympathetic figure.

The second biggest controversy, however, was the age old question: "Hot or Not?"

I'm going to pull a Hillary Clinton and straddle the fence so as to avoid offending anyone (thereby annoying everyone). Although he's not an unattractive man, I've personally never been into the whole "bad boy (read: crazed despot)" thing. I mean, ride a motorcycle (even better, a Vespa and a helmet), but murdering your own citizens is a bridge too far. That said, Osama should buy stock in Just For Men. Yum!

I will say that, rather than being a total douche whose balls must have fallen out his pants leg on the walk to the podium, Bollinger should have (used a time machine and) played this video from the SNL premier this past weekend.

SNL Digital Short - "IRAN"

Andy, if I go tanning will you love my butter pecan thighs?

Gay body less good than actual body

A FEW WEEKENDS AGO I spend the night with a very cute guy (pride!) who, upon removing some not-to-be-disclosed number of my garments, told me that I had a "nice body."

"Thanks!" I said, surprised as usual to be complimented, as my body dymorphia generally leads me to believe that, if knocked over by a mild breeze, I would shatter into a thousand pick-up sticks.

"Yeah," he said. "You have, like, a nice gay body."

"Well, I made it myself. Lets make out more!" Note the self-deprecation and the change of subject. I wasn't sure how to feel about having a "Gay Body," but I decided to go with "Pleased." After all, it wasn’t like he said, "You have a nice 'starved greyhound' body."

I hung out with him a week later, this time at a beach.

"The guys here are in pretty good shape," I said at a pause in our conversation.

He looked down the beach. "Yeah, but they all have gay body."

My ears pricked up. "Gay body?"

"You know, like, they look strong, but their muscles are all for show."

I could have humped him right there.

SNL – Body Fusion

"Or Penthilths!"

In which I love down Maya Rudolph

I HAVE A GROWING OBSESSION with SNL's Maya Rudolph. She did this sketch as Donatella Versace selling a new, high-class version of Hot Pockets called Versace Pockets. It's fall out of your chair funny. Matt Damon is also in the sketch as Axl Rose, and now every time I go to microwave something, I wail, "You know what you are! You're going into the microwave, baby!" which, let me tell you, makes for a fun workplace environment.

Unfortunately, I can't find it on the Tube anyplace. Check it out here.

Maya also does a great Whitney Houston. In the season finale of SNL, they had fun with those new Geico commercials where the celebrity tells the real person's story, and she did her Whitney. Later in the show, "Whitney" popped into the Weekend Update to share some special "summretime" brownies with Amy and Seth. And now I'm sharing them with you. Pay it forward.

SNL - Whitney Houston stops by Weekend Update

"It's gonna be a messALRIGHT!"

Back in the hooskow!

DEAR LA COUNTY -

First she's in, then she's out, now she's back in. I have work to do; I can't just spend all day refreshing People.com and The Drudge Report to find out what's happening with Paris Hilton.

For the sake of my continued employment and our national productivity, please make up your collective mind.

Love,
Wizzle

In case you've forgotten in all the excitement, Paris isn't the first celebrity to be thrown in jail after an alcohol-related infraction.

Diana Ross, Live From Jail

"Tina-ni-na!"

Do you like fajitas and other Tex-Mex specialties?

Stevie Nicks Fajita Round-Up

"There you go again you say you want burritos."

And because I found this when looking for the first clip, a beautiful, backstage jam from 1981 by the actual Stevie Nicks. The album version of this song is sort of a shambly, shapeless mess, but the clip shows that there's a gorgeous song in there somewhere.

Stevie Nicks - "Wild Heart"

"Don't blame it on me. Blame it on my wild heart."