Wetness is the enemy

MY DOCTOR SEEMS ALWAYS to have a health obsession to push every time I visit. The first time, she gave me a goodie bag of allergy pills and told me that my mission in life was to keep my "passages clean and dry." Upon my second visit, however, it seemed that wetness in general had become the enemy, and I was being redeployed lower down the body.

I'm lying there catching my breath after the cough test, practically smoking a post-coital cigarette, and she asks, "Are you using an anti-fungal spray every day?"

Anxiously, I sit up. "Is something wrong?"

She uses her pen to point to my feet, looks at them for a moment, and then locks eyes with me. "Athlete's foot never goes away, you know. It's with you forever."

I'm shocked. "I have athlete's foot? Doesn't that itch? Or flake something horrible?"

She shakes her head. "You don't have it. Yet. But your toes are very wet."

"They are?"

"All feet are. They're a breeding ground for fungus, slipped into a warm, dark sock." I'm tasting vomit. "Your mission in life is to keep your toes dry."

French and Saunders - Dawn's Doctor Visit

"Just a big, fat, wobbly tummy I've got!"