"I don't know!" said J, a little scandalized. "We didn't study that in nursing school."
"No, but, like, what do they do with the ovaries?"
"I don't know, T," said J, pouring Crystal hot sauce on her second fajita.
"But how about the fallopian tubes?" T asked.
There was a pause as J looked up at him.
"What do you think is in the fajitas?"
LATER, AFTER WE'D ALL had a few fajitas and a few glasses of wine, M told us that our friend D, unbeknownst to her, had posted a fake ad on Craigslist's Casual Encounters and had linked it to her email address. She dug up the ad and, because it was sufficiently raunchy, she said she'd received a shocking number of responses over the course of the next week, which is how long the postings stay up.
We obviously decided we had to post another one right away, just to see what we'd get back. Latching onto the most absurd persona we could think of in the moment, we wrote as Splinter, the rat that has taken up residence on J and M's patio. Behold.
Subject: Alley girl seeking kibbles and nibbles
I've been a very dirty girl. Two new roommates just moved in, need to get away. Looking for a nice, warm place to spend a few hours. I'm sick of scavenging the streets, I need to be fed something hot. Got any suggestions? Don't bring any pussy around, I'm a little afraid. You must host. Have cheese plate ready (it's a fetish). Tell me your wildest fantasy, and make me squeal.
After posting the ad, we still felt like we had a little juice (read: wine) left in us, and wrote a second ad, curious to see which one would receive more responses. Our creative mojo was running a little lower this time around though, so M, T and I decided to post the second one as J, who was in the kitchen doing dishes. This meant, of course, that M was being represented in the Great Casual Encounter Competition of 2007 as a slutty, cheese-hungry alley rat, but she took in stride. Here's the second posting.
Subject: Naughty nurse seeks dirty doctor
I've had a long day a long day with ungrateful patients and I'm looking for a man who will appreciate my services. Hours of spongebaths and changing bedsheets has made me feverish. Looking for someone to take my temp, orally or anally, and who can be my prescription for a night of ecstasy. I want a thorough, penetrating examination to get my vital signs rising. Tell me where you got your medical degree and where you'll put it.
In no time, the responses started rolling in. I won't post them all here (nor will I post the genitalia pictures or the really graphic descriptions), but here's a smattering of my favorites.
To Splinter:
24 year old male that is looking for a women to hang out with, I will have all the cheese that you can think of
Did you hear that people? All the cheese you can think of! I thought I was in love until this arrived for Naughty Nurse:
Subject: I am a clean doctor actually...
but willing to get dirty if that is what it takes. My diploma says Harvard on it. And where will I put it? Well....I'm planning on keeping it on the wall where it is. As for where I might put some other things.....hmmmm...how about a tongue where the sun don't shine. Does that interest you?
I mean, he's a doctor. From Harvard. Swoon, right?
I thought so too, until Pierre showed up in the blue shorts, looking for some ratty lovin':
Friends, let's pull up here for a moment. In one night, after posting fake ads as a rat and a cartoon of a nurse, we were propositioned by a hot beach god and a Harvard-educated doctor. What kind of world is this? Why do people even go out at night? When you're out, your chances of meeting someone of that caliber are slim at best. Most nights, its a matter of looking at the guy, looking at the empty glass in your hand, and saying to yourself, "Well, if I have one more drink, maybe I'd lose my better judgment."
And if you're already saying that, you already have.
Catherine Tate - Not Drunk Enough
"I'm just not drunk. Enough."
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