I Can Drink Myself Straight

I WAS E-STALKING A GENTLEMAN (who will inevitably read this blog, making the whole endeavor all the more shameful), and one of his photos was of a girl wearing a homemade t-shirt that read "I Can Drink Myself Gay."

Genius.

I would drink myself straight for Carrie Underwood, as long as she sang this song to me whilst cuddling.

Carrie Underwood - Alone

And by straight I mean I'll talk about boys with her.

How To: Dissuade Potential Suitors

TONIGHT THE SCHOOL HOSTED a bunch of prospective gay students who wanted to learn more about the school and gayness thereat.

I was tempted to stand up and say, "Our schoolwork is indiscriminate in its brutality, and everyone, gay and straight alike, is generally miserable. The only difference is that us gays aren't making up for it by finding hot future hedge fund managers at happy hour. Questions?" But I bit my tongue, and put on my best salesman face.

I spent most of the evening talking to a guy who was more interested in discussing his recent break-up than he was in learning about the school. Fine. If you want me to play psychologist, its an open bar and I'm not going anywhere.

"How do you think I can get him back? Should I make him feel really guilty?"

"Um... that may not be the best course of action," I said, feigning thoughtfulness. "I'd say play it cool. Act like you don't want him back and you're okay without him."

"But I do want him back," he said, his well-groomed brows furrowing.

"Right, but you need to even the power out a bit."

"So you don't think I should try to make him miserable?"

"No," I said firmly.

"But I want him back," he reiterated, seeming to suggest I hadn't understood earlier.

"Well, that's sort of his decision, right? Not yours. Maybe you should try dating someone else? Get out there a bit."

"I just joined a whole bunch of websites. Facebook, Connexion, Myspace, and then a bunch of sex ones."

"Well, that's... ah... a start."

"Are you on any?" he asked, looking at me over the top of his drink.

"Personally, I'm more of a Facebook and Friendster kind of guy."

"I like the sex ones."

"Well... heh... I mean, I'm like one cat and a hitch trailer away from being a lesbian," I said, using standby lesbian humor to make myself less uncomfortable. "I mean, that's just me. For you, uh... I'm sure it's really nice?"

"I like that there's no pretense about why you're there."

"That's... uh... true."

"So I'd like to take you out on a date sometime."

It's a wonder anyone dates. Ever.

A little less dirty dancing, a little more emo

IF BRITNEY SPEARS AND Tori Amos had a baby, and that baby turned out to be a queerbait with a flair for the melodramatic and a YouTube account, that queer baby would record a version of "Gimme More" a lot like this one.

As Toby said, be thankful I don't play the piano, otherwise my blog would be full of crap like this.

Nick Connell - "Gimme More"

Me and a gun.

A Very Hairy Jake Gyllenhaal

LAST WEEK, MAHMOUD AMADINEJAD visited Columbia. Amadinejad said that there were no gays in Iran. My response: "Not anymore!"

Coming out of the speech, the big controversy, of course, was whether it was appropriate for Columbia President Lee Bollinger to rip a world leader a ragged new asshole, effectively performing the most spectacular magic trick of all time by making the man almost seem like a sympathetic figure.

The second biggest controversy, however, was the age old question: "Hot or Not?"

I'm going to pull a Hillary Clinton and straddle the fence so as to avoid offending anyone (thereby annoying everyone). Although he's not an unattractive man, I've personally never been into the whole "bad boy (read: crazed despot)" thing. I mean, ride a motorcycle (even better, a Vespa and a helmet), but murdering your own citizens is a bridge too far. That said, Osama should buy stock in Just For Men. Yum!

I will say that, rather than being a total douche whose balls must have fallen out his pants leg on the walk to the podium, Bollinger should have (used a time machine and) played this video from the SNL premier this past weekend.

SNL Digital Short - "IRAN"

Andy, if I go tanning will you love my butter pecan thighs?

Shout Out Louds - "Impossible"

WHEN I WAS A KID, the end of summer was always marked by the Saint Leo's Fair. Kids from all over town would come for one last hurrah before school started. The fact that doom was looming so close was highlighted by the fact that Saint Leo's was, through some cruel twist of fate, located on the same block as an elementary and a high school.

All us kids would go crazy trying to ride all the rides, desperate to hold on to the final days of freedom. The fair would last five days and nights, and we would go as many nights as possible; during the first days at school, we would one-up each other about how much time we'd spent at the fair, or how many times we'd ridden the rides that everyone agreed were the most likely to make you barf and were therefore the best.

Even when we got "too old" to ride the rides, going to Saint Leo's was still an end of summer ritual. It was a chance to see (or in my case, actively avoid) people you hadn't seen all summer, to try to sneak a beer from a priest, and to show off your tan to the pretty girls in your class (or something).

There was something manic about Saint Leo's, but it was tempered by the universal acceptance that summer was over. The video for the Shout Out Louds' latest single, "Impossible," off their album Our Ill Wills, uses the Saint Leo's effect wonderfully. The song is about that last night you spend in a relationship you know is ending, a night with someone you still love but can't be with anymore. You get that same frantic feeling, like you need to make it last, but because you can't, or won't, you don't do anything but lie there and hold them in silence.

Shout Out Louds - "Impossible"

"Let's not fall back to sleep like we used to, do you remember?
I don't want to wake up knowing I don't have a future."